Sweet Jesus

These are dark times we’re living in my friends. Dark times indeed. The world is teetering on the brink of all out war and, for the most part, our leaders have failed us. The civilized world has been creeping, lizard-like, towards anarchy for some time now and we apparently have no one left to turn to in our time of need. I’m here to reassure you. We are not alone. From the East (Manhattan to be precise) a star, like the phoenix of old, has risen in the night sky. A single bright spot of hope calls to the faithful and, just in time for the Easter Holiday, he has arisen. Behold the Chocolate Jesus!
Perhaps a bit of back-story first. You see children, in the days of King Herod there was born….wait a second, that’s an entirely different story. In the Days of Mayor Bloomberg there was an artist named Cosimo Cavallaro who was commissioned to add to a local art display in a mid-town Manhattan hotel lobby. Of course, this being Easter Week, Cavallaro decided to stick with that theme. The artist, who is known to work with food as his base, created a six foot tall, anatomically correct, chocolate Jesus. He titled his display “My Sweet Lord.”. End of story, happy Easter! Not so fast.
The Catholic Church, in their infinite wisdom, collectively exploded. A self-righteous tsunami swept through Manhattan like some sort of biblical plague. That old time religion was on the march in the heart of east-coast liberalism. In other words. They were not amused. The same people who stood in line for hours and dedicated web site after web site to the awful, Jew baiting snuff film “The Passions Of The Christ” lost their minds over a large piece of delicious milk chocolate. Let me make this perfectly clear for those of you who might misunderstand me. It’s not really Jesus. It’s a piece of chocolate. It will melt soon. When that happens you can sop it up with your equally delicious Mary Magdaline sponge cake. Now, for the love of God and his chocolate Son, shut up!
Last year, when the Muslim world went equally nuts over a cartoon depiction of the Prophet Muhammad you all chuckled to yourselves and thanked your lucky stars that something that silly could never happen here. Of course you were chuckling while protesting outside the theatre where the De Vinci Code was playing but that’s a different story. Now, when Bill Donohue, head of the Catholic League of America calls the Chocolate Jesus “one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever” you get in line behind him and shout Amen brother. The hotel where the sweet Jesus was supposed to have been displayed has canceled the art show after numerous death threats and the politicians are, after a quick time-out, beginning to get involved.
Does anyone else see the irony here? The Easter Season is supposed to be a celebration of the crucifixion and, subsequent resurrection of, you guessed it, Jesus Christ. Yet, one would be hard pressed to find any representations of Christ anywhere during the season. Instead we are inundated with Cadbury eggs, chocolate bunnies, hard-boiled eggs, little yellow marsh mellow chickens and, in a telling sign, gold wrapped chocolate coins. Where’s Jesus? How is it that a supposed Christian nation has managed to embrace all the old Pagan symbols of the season and not noticed? For years now we have been beseeched with calls from the faithful to put Christ back in his holidays. Someone finally combines the best of both worlds, religion and mouth-watering chocolaty goodness and you all go monkey-nuts! Call me crazy, but I just don’t get you people.
So now what are we left with? Somewhere on the docks of New York City sits an abandoned refrigerated truck. During this most holy of times your lord and savior needs your help. He is alone in the back of that truck my friends. He has been condemned to death. When the Freon fails Jesus will melt. Hopefully, in the spirit of the season, after his followers have abandoned him in his time of need he will rise again. He will stand among his people in all his chocolaty glory and announce to the world the words we have waited so long to hear; I have risen. Eat me!