Crimson, White and Indigo: May 2007

Steaming pile of pooh found unresponsive at Liberty University ID'd as Jerry Falwell. Cause of death? A vengeful God!Rev. Jerry Falwell dead at 73 - CNN.com

Dragging myself by the ragged, bloody remains of my fingertips into the twenty-first century has been a trying ordeal to say the least. I wouldn’t exactly call myself technologically ignorant but I am annoyed. Not at the technology itself, but by the mindless drones who are my fellow citizens. These people, in my humble estimation, have managed to bring evolution, and the evolution of civil society to a screeching, digitally enhanced halt. Let’s talk about a few of them shall we.
All right Blue Tooth people, your time has come! Unless you’re a spy or the Captain of your own starship there is no conceivable reason to have your tiny, blinking communication device permanently fused to the side of your head. There’s no way that your as important as you think you are. More importantly. It makes you look insane. The actual device is difficult to see from a distance. All I can see is an apparent lunatic screaming at no one and gesticulating wildly at imaginary foes. You may be on your way to a very important board meeting. To me it looks like your on your way to an exorcism!
Are you aware that there is an entire generation of Americans being completely deprived of good music? It’s true. The digital download age has taken all the fun, rebellion and romance out of listening to an album from beginning to end just for the sake of the music. I do quite a bit of downloading myself but it’s almost exclusively live or out of print material that I’m interested in. To the rest of America music has become just another background noise to keep our minds occupied while we attend to something else. Oh yeah. The quality sucks. I don’t care how much the technology improves, I’ll take my vinyl copy of Dark Side Of The Moon over whatever it is you have coming out of your cute little ear buds any day. Ear buds? How can you listen to Rock And Roll through anything called an ear bud? Can I, by any chance, have your old CD’s?
If you really need an example of how certain technological advances have destroyed the evolutionary progression of the human race look no further, I’ll set you on the right path. Find some friends who have teenage sons. Go to their house and find the youngsters in question (they will undoubtedly be somewhere in the basement) and drag them up into the sunlight. They will be to stunned by the giant bright light in the sky to notice that you have brought along a football for this experiment. They wouldn’t know what it is anyway. Now, once you have their attention and their catlike pupils have adjusted to the light, throw the football as hard as you can directly at their pasty little face. One of three things will happen. The possum response, in which the youngster will immediately drop into a fetal position and play dead until he thinks your gone. The techno response where the boy will attempt to check the identity of the approaching projectile by looking it up on his blackberry before it smashes into his face or, and most likely, it will smash directly into his face. You see, the problem here is that this boy hasn’t spent more than twenty minutes at a time outside since he was seven. When he is outside he is never separated from his techno toys. Your children, my friends, I am sorry to say, are geeks. Not to worry though because the only real bullies they encounter are cyber bullies and they’re even bigger geeks.
There is an upside in all of this for me however. You have made it very easy for me to steal from you! You can’t even hear me coming and you wouldn’t know how to defend yourselves even if you did. Ha Ha! After a lifetime of being bullied and picked on my time has finally come. Now excuse me. I have to get online and learn how to become a tough guy. Any of you bloggers out there have any suggestions?